The Adjustable Heart: Considering Adoption After Infertility
By John K. Kurkjian, Psy.D., Adoptive Families May/June 1998
John is a clinical psychologist in group practice with CPG Behavior Health Resources in West Hartford, CT and adoptive dad of two.
My own infertility story did not take me down the adoption road. However, I love the concept “The Adjustable Heart”. I think that this title is also fitting for those who, because of their situation need to choose a surrogate or a donor for eggs and/or sperm.
Infertility is a grueling experience, one that represents such an insult to one’s senses of self, and of the “life plan,” that couples find themselves drawn into a grim battle to undo its trauma. Along the way, they often lose track of the original goal, which was to expand their family. Instead they often descend into a contorted version of their original quest, the war to “achieve a pregnancy.”
As couples proceed through treatment, and as their likelihood of having a biological child dwindles, they must engage in another difficult process of grieving the child that will never be and beginning to consider whether or not they could possibly see themselves as adoptive parents.
Biological parenting often occurs with much less anguish, much less thought and preparation. It seems as if, at a certain point, children of biological parents are automatically “installed.” For perspective adoptive parents, the process to expand the family is much more complicated. While they have many painful, negative aspects, it also represents an opportunity for these couples to “make virtue of necessity,” by entering the role of parenting far more mindful of the choices they are making and far more prepared to accept the responsibilities ahead.
He then goes on to introduce three stages that he believes couple facing infertility pass through when moving towards the decision to adopt.
- Moving Toward Goodbye: Letting Go of One’s Biological Child
- Considering a New Child: Accepting the Differences Between Adoptive and Biological Parenting
- Moving Toward Hello: Assuming the Role of Adoptive Parents
And he leaves us with these parting thoughts:
• As important as it has been to conceive a child, it has somehow become even more important to parent one.
• As important as it has been to carry a baby to term, it has somehow become even more important to rock one to sleep.
• And maybe most of all, as important as it has been to pass on your genes, it has somehow become even more important to pass on your love.
We never know how we feel about something until we are faced with it. Adoption, using donor eggs and/or sperm or having a surrogate are all decisions we can’t imagine making until we are facing them head on. I love the sentiment “The Adjustable Heart”. It makes me think that anything is possible.